Piglet once asked Winnie the Pooh, “How do you spell love?” Pooh answered, “You don’t spell it. You feel it.” I think he was on to something.

I often grapple with love. It’s not knowing love that I struggle with. I can read about it. Write songs about it. Sing about it. Speak about it. Exploring scripture for just a few moments hints at the truth that everything God has done from the beginning of time has been because of His love for us. My head is full of love. I can spell it just fine.

The concept of feeling love, on the other hand, is what leaves me feeling perplexed and defeated. That is pretty ironic. In recent months, I have been daily facing the same wall. It’s tall and intimidating and casts a huge shadow over my life. The wall is this: How can I be so sure of God’s love, devote my life to communicating His love, and still not feel confident of how it frees me? Granted, this wall hasn’t always been an obstacle in my life. There was a time where I felt so sure of God’s love that nothing could change my mind. I was invincible in the light of God’s love. But life can wear away at us until we wake up to realize that we have crawled deep into the shadows of doubt.

The wonderment of grace and unending love can wear away as life leaves its marks. We can stop marveling at the incomprehensible, life altering glory of being called a child of God. We can build up knowledge of God’s love and lose all sense of how real it is. We can forget the freedom that comes with God’s love.

If you are living in the knowledge of God’s love for you and still feel shackles of doubt around your ankles, I can relate. Most of the time, we don’t even realize we are living doubtfully. We hardly realize how fragile (or, in some cases, hardened) our hearts have become and how much we are striving to earn what we know to be a free gift.  Here is good news: we can stop striving.

Here is the definition of striving: “To make great efforts to achieve or obtain something; to struggle or fight vigorously.” And here is Ephesians 2:8-9: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast.”

Knowledge of this grace is vital. Peter prays this in 2 Peter 1:2: “Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.” We need knowledge. But knowledge alone will never change us and bring us the freedom we desire.

Do you ever feel desperate to feel free? I do. It can be extremely disheartening to know that you are free, but not feel free. Freedom needs to be lived in. It needs to be received. Our spirits know freedom. Our souls need convincing. Desperation isn’t shameful when what you are desperate for is freedom.

Dr. Bob Reimer says in his book, Soul Care, “It isn’t in knowing the truth that freedom comes; it is in holding on to the truth that we are set free.” Holding on to truth when everything that you feel pushes you deeper into the shadows of doubt is a battle. The battle isn’t striving to claim God’s love. It is knowing His love is already yours and fighting hard against anything that says otherwise.

Today, throughout my time with Jesus, He reminded me of some freeing truths: I will never get my act together enough to feel lovable. I will never improve myself enough to feel worthy of loving. I will never be productive or successful enough to truly feel useful. I cannot do it. I never will.

And… I am really loved. Without condition. Forever. And always have been. (And the same goes for you.)

We don’t understand this immediately. It will take time. It will take battling lies every day, all day long. But we have His Spirit with us on the front lines, guiding us and reminding us that, though this battle is tough, Jesus has already one the war.

It isn’t enough to know the love of God. It isn’t enough to learn His love inside and out on paper if we aren’t letting His love shape how we live. There’s no need to strive to earn God’s love anymore. It is ours, wholly and completely. But we do need to take hold of that truth and let it permeate our lives so that we can live freely. It takes time. Don’t be discouraged. I promise that with the help of the Holy Spirit, you will feel the freedom of living in the light of God’s love.