Over the past few weeks, the Lord has been growing my appreciation for silence. When spending time in prayer, I’ve been finding that I hear Him more and feel more heard when I just meditate silently on Him in a quiet place with my hands wide open.
At the same time, I’ve been noticing some changes in my voice. While learning to develop my chest voice, I’ve been singing more than I ever have. Just like practicing guitar or piano, I have to exercise strength in building muscle memory to find my chest voice. At first the changes were good; I’ve been able to sing a little more clearly and more powerfully. But I started to notice that after every song, my voice would be gone. The raspiness of my voice has only been increasing, and I’ve been either hoarse or voiceless every day for about a month. So, I called an ENT’s office yesterday in hopes of landing an appointment before Christmas break. The Lord made way for me to see a specialist this morning at 8.
It’s funny how so many things can be going on at once that seem unrelated, then God brings everything full circle in complete clarity. Everything ties together for our good and His glory. The doctor used a scope to look at my vocal folds and within seconds, he confirmed that I have nodules. Nodules are benign growths on the vocal folds that are a result of vocal trauma without rest. They can be anything from slight swelling to blisters to callouses. Mine are pretty developed and calloused.
I instantly started crying. For a worship leader, or any vocalist, this is a pretty devastating bit of news. If nodules go unnoticed or untreated for too long, they can scar vocal folds and cause pretty serious damage. From what the doctor observed, as well as my own personal reflections, this trauma has been going on for a long time. The worst case scenario (which I am definitely believing against) is that the nodules would not go away with rest and they would have to be surgically removed.
So, I’m now faced with the heart wrenching realization that the Lord has been quite literally preparing me for a season of silence. I’m on vocal rest (no singing, only speaking when absolutely necessary) indefinitely. I’ll have to make diet changes (I was also blindsided with an acid reflux diagnosis, and acid reflux only harms vocal chords). And it was recommended that I see a speech therapist.
As I type this, I’m battling the shock of accepting that I’m at a school for worship leaders and I cannot sing. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am not forgotten and that His plans are still to prosper. I’m also overcome with thankfulness. The entire school of worship, students and staff, gathered around me and prayed for healing today. As one of Seacoast’s worship leaders so graciously reminded me this afternoon, God is still sitting square on the throne. He is the God of healing, and He was not blindsided by this.
There was also an all-staff meeting at church today (school of worship has the blessing of attending these meetings) and during the worship, I heard the Lord speak more clearly to me than He ever has. He said, “I will bring your voice back in a mighty way.” Countless times I heard this through crying and trying not to sing along. So now, as I enter into a period of difficult silence and waiting, I will press hard into His presence and listen for His voice as I wait for mine. And I ask for you to join with me in prayer that this time would be as painless as possible, and that I would be able to lead others into His presence with my voice sooner rather than later. I need people to stand firm in belief with me that He has already overcome what the enemy is trying to do.
I’m so thankful for the community around me, the endless patience that is being shown to me, the support and the prayer. I know that the Lord is writing a beautiful story, and I can’t wait to share it one day. My prayers are for you, and my thankfulness is beyond words.
Other prayer requests:
– Financial support for tuition and rent here at Seacoast
– Clarity when seeking specialists to help me recover
– The ability to remain in community and fellowship without a voice
Please let me know how I can be praying for you!
In thankfulness and love,
Rachel