Have a listen before reading:
I’m learning a lot that I was hoping I would never have to learn. It’s very easy to say that you are satisfied by God when all is going well in life… When you are relatively healthy, when you wake up and it is easy to choose being happy. Even the smallest things make life so seemingly easy, and allow for us to become so ignorantly blissful. Like craving a hearty meal, or looking forward to going to bed.
I have been sick since early December. Lot’s of small things paired with mononucleosis. It seems like one day I can barely talk because my throat is swollen and sore, the next day I’m sick to my stomach, the day after that my head is throbbing from morning to night. Each day I have about enough energy to walk around for about ten minutes then I have to sit for at least an hour to recuperate. I realized yesterday how tiring it is for me to walk up a flight of stairs. By the time I reach the top, I’m dizzy and my legs are shaking.
I think even more than all of that, I am crippled by fear. A kind of fear that has no right to weigh me down, but still… it haunts me and wakes me up in the middle of the night. I’m afraid of being so caught up in pain and exhaustion that I lose sight of who Jesus is. That is what feels the worst. But last night, through tossing and turning and unexplained pain, I had no choice but to cry out to Him. And He answered.
So here I am, sitting at home in Stephens City, taking a break from the busyness of what I was so excited for my life to be. My windows are open and my curtains are blowing with the breeze. My floor is covered in boxes that I’m unpacking little by little. My walls are covered in my favorite paintings and pictures and dried flowers. There are three dogs snoozing by my bed, keeping me safe. And there is a new song in my heart, calling me to admit that I am satisfied.
I am a seed that needs to fall and break in order to grow. I am being surrounded by terrifying waves, but He created them. And as I sit here typing this, the birds are singing along with this song. My heartbeat is steadier than it has been in a while. And I am satisfied.
Blessings to you, dear friends.