Category: Blog

Over the past few weeks, the Lord has been growing my appreciation for silence. When spending time in prayer, I’ve been finding that I hear Him more and feel more heard when I just meditate silently on Him in a quiet place with my hands wide open.

At the same time, I’ve been noticing some changes in my voice. While learning to develop my chest voice, I’ve been singing more than I ever have. Just like practicing guitar or piano, I have to exercise strength in building muscle memory to find my chest voice. At first the changes were good; I’ve been able to sing a little more clearly and more powerfully. But I started to notice that after every song, my voice would be gone. The raspiness of my voice has only been increasing, and I’ve been either hoarse or voiceless every day for about a month. So, I called an ENT’s office yesterday in hopes of landing an appointment before Christmas break. The Lord made way for me to see a specialist this morning at 8.

It’s funny how so many things can be going on at once that seem unrelated, then God brings everything full circle in complete clarity. Everything ties together for our good and His glory. The doctor used a scope to look at my vocal folds and within seconds, he confirmed that I have nodules. Nodules are benign growths on the vocal folds that are a result of vocal trauma without rest. They can be anything from slight swelling to blisters to callouses. Mine are pretty developed and calloused.

I instantly started crying. For a worship leader, or any vocalist, this is a pretty devastating bit of news. If nodules go unnoticed or untreated for too long, they can scar vocal folds and cause pretty serious damage. From what the doctor observed, as well as my own personal reflections, this trauma has been going on for a long time. The worst case scenario (which I am definitely believing against) is that the nodules would not go away with rest and they would have to be surgically removed.

So, I’m now faced with the heart wrenching realization that the Lord has been quite literally preparing me for a season of silence. I’m on vocal rest (no singing, only speaking when absolutely necessary) indefinitely. I’ll have to make diet changes (I was also blindsided with an acid reflux diagnosis, and acid reflux only harms vocal chords). And it was recommended that I see a speech therapist.

As I type this, I’m battling the shock of accepting that I’m at a school for worship leaders and I cannot sing. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am not forgotten and that His plans are still to prosper. I’m also overcome with thankfulness. The entire school of worship, students and staff, gathered around me and prayed for healing today. As one of Seacoast’s worship leaders so graciously reminded me this afternoon, God is still sitting square on the throne. He is the God of healing, and He was not blindsided by this.

There was also an all-staff meeting at church today (school of worship has the blessing of attending these meetings) and during the worship, I heard the Lord speak more clearly to me than He ever has. He said, “I will bring your voice back in a mighty way.” Countless times I heard this through crying and trying not to sing along. So now, as I enter into a period of difficult silence and waiting, I will press hard into His presence and listen for His voice as I wait for mine. And I ask for you to join with me in prayer that this time would be as painless as possible, and that I would be able to lead others into His presence with my voice sooner rather than later. I need people to stand firm in belief with me that He has already overcome what the enemy is trying to do.

I’m so thankful for the community around me, the endless patience that is being shown to me, the support and the prayer. I know that the Lord is writing a beautiful story, and I can’t wait to share it one day. My prayers are for you, and my thankfulness is beyond words.

Other prayer requests:
– Financial support for tuition and rent here at Seacoast
– Clarity when seeking specialists to help me recover
– The ability to remain in community and fellowship without a voice

Please let me know how I can be praying for you!

In thankfulness and love,
Rachel

Sometimes I wake up and feel like my body is about eight years behind my spirit. Sometimes when I lay down, it feels like I’m not laying down hard enough. Sometimes my sinuses get infected with bacteria and I can’t do what I am going to school to do. Sometimes I’m so dizzy that everyone around me does a funny little cautious dance to catch me if needed. Sometimes I crave food, so much food, but my body is telling me that I don’t need it. Sometimes my joints and muscles ache so bad I wonder if I don’t remember running a marathon. Sometimes I discover a bald spot on my head and give up wondering how long it will take to grow back the hair. Sometimes I feel like I need to accept that I’ll always be sick and never know why. But ALWAYS there is a beautiful, beckoning, gentle, fierce, perfectly timed whisper/symphony reminding me that I am not a sickness, and sickness is not me.

I don’t know if I feel compelled to ask the body of Christ, or just mankind in general, to look at sickness differently or if I just want to share some thoughts so they aren’t camping out in my head. Either way, take a look at this passage of scripture with me. “I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.” ‭‭Ezekiel‬ ‭36:25-27‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Earthly instinct tells me to be offended at this verse. What idols am I clinging onto that are causing me to be sick? What filth has my heart collected that would cause it to beat quickly and painfully and wake me up at 4am? What rules have I not been careful enough to obey? Well, those are stupid thoughts. It doesn’t work that way. God doesn’t create anything bad. My punishment for running from Him has been nailed to a cross for thousands of years. God only gives love and healing and joy.

So why on earth is this constant, seemingly unending suffering? I know that God allows trials. I know that He allows us to walk through valleys. I also know that “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” ‭‭Psalm‬ ‭23:4‬ ‭ESV‬‬     He is walking with me. He is guiding me as if I’m a little lost sheep. He is my Shepherd on breathtaking mountaintops AND in dark, painful valleys.

I’m learning, always learning, that God calls us to be patient. He doesn’t call us to accept pain or sickness or death or discomfort. He calls us to speak against those things with truth and be PATIENT. I will openly admit that I am capable of making a huge mess of things. I will admit that I don’t always find great success after seeing a highly regarded doctor. I don’t want anything in my hands. Or any human hands for that matter. I want Jesus. So I will choose to speak truth over my life, and not accept defeat.

“In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:10‬ ‭NLT‬‬     I will read this and speak it and pray it and think it until not only my spirit recognizes it as truth, but my body does, too. If any of you need healing but just can’t seem to find it, remember the perfect firm foundation that He is perfectly creating for you in His perfect timing. I can do that, at least.

One last thought: there are a lot of things that we do to each other to discourage healing, even if we don’t realize it. Here are some things I’ve realized since being so sick for so long…
– When you tell someone to just be happy, choose joy, or stop “dwelling” on sickness, you are just pushing them deeper into doubt. When the promise of joy is hard to reach, don’t remind someone that they should be reaching harder. Help them reach it.
– When you remind someone that someone else has it worse, you are not only discrediting their feelings, you are reminding them that their sickness could get worse. You are making them feel guilty for being sick.
– Finally, when you tell someone that they “don’t look sick” you are hand-stacking a cement wall between that person and their confidence in Jesus. Try thinking of something else to say. Quote scripture. Hug them. Tell them that you acknowledge their pain, but even more, that you acknowledge the reality of healing.

Just some thoughts. Sickness doesn’t own us. We belong to Jesus, and He is so very good.

Love and prayers for you, dear friends.
-Rachel

Sometimes I think my thoughts are eternally existing in a very deep valley surrounded by goliath-sized mountains. Half of the time, I am only staring up at what is bordering my own little world. The mountains are hauntingly beautiful, and seem climbable… until I approach them and recognize how mighty they are. The other half of the time, I am only looking down at the low ground beneath me. I can’t decide whether I’m stuck or safe. It took me moving to below sea-level to realize so many amazing, mountain sized truths.

Seacoast School of Worship is more than an answer to prayer. I love that about God. Not only does He answer our prayers, He says, “Hey I’m just gonna give you a million other things, too.” In a nutshell: SSOW is pushing me to greater heights, training my hands to be much more skilled, illuminating my better qualities and healing the not-so-good ones, bringing me joy and plenty of tears, reminding me that God is much bigger than I will ever imagine, and making me ever so aware of the desperate need for His love to invade broken hearts. Well, there are many more things going on than that, but I’m sure that those are the most exciting (at least right now).

I’ve only been there for two weeks and I’m already home again to attend a funeral on Monday. There’s a different kind of healing coming from this moment in time. I don’t know if it’s a death in the family causing me to be so nostalgic, or my withdrawal from the mountains. I think mostly the former, but the mountains always do break my heart (in a good way). Anyway, today I decided that I would drive Skyline Drive by myself. I could not shake the urge to go, even though I could barely afford the $20 entrance fee. There were some beautiful conversations had between Jesus and me. Before I continue, have a look at these pictures. Don’t let your eyes zone out… rather, focus on the tiny things. The little wild flowers that most people miss. The spots of sunlight that are gracing the valley.

Now that I’ve made your heart break at the thought of not also being there, basking in God’s glorious creation, I’ll share some things that I have realized.

1. We seem to assume that the “endless” things in life are related to pain, discomfort, trials. When we are sick, it feels like it will never end. When we are sad, it feels like we will never be happy again. When we are without, it seems that we will never be blessed. On the contrary, when things are good, we are waiting for the end. We think, “How could something this good actually last?” However, the endless things in life are actually quite good. Jesus is endless. His love is endless. His mercy and grace are endless. The beauty of God’s creation is endless. I mean, just look at it. I do not see an end to any of that glory above.

2. I’m not sure how to word this one, so here’s an excerpt of me freaking out in my journal: “What more could I ask for than what you have already given me?! I have everything I could ever need or want because I have You! (!!!) I thank You, Jesus. Still, you prompt me to ask for more from You. You tell me to dream massive dreams and expect You to blow me away… every time.” That was followed by me scribbling “hallelujah” all over the page because no other word made sense to me in that moment. I mean, think about it. What do we deserve? Nothing. What do we have? Everything. And still, He gives us more. We are just little overflowing cups and we don’t know what to do with any of it. (ha)

3. As I was approaching the third overlook on my drive, a song by Sam Amidon came on. The lyrics that successfully made me cry are as follows: ‘Til the sweet apple grows on the sour apple tree… Maybe this won’t resonate with you, but sometimes I feel like I am way too sour for the sweetness that is Jesus. But when you read Philippians 1:6 and are reminded that He is WORKING IN you… you might be surprised at how your heart moves. Notice that Scripture says He is working in us, not on us like we are some project He hopes to one day complete. I don’t want to live like a model car that the Holy Spirit took out of a box to work on because He was bored. He has taken it upon Himself to dwell inside our hearts (the ones that stray and lie and cheat and hate Him without cause) and make His home there. Only He can make a sweet apple grow on a sour apple tree.

I suppose the main thing I learned today was that He isn’t giving up on us. Why else would leaves fall and regrow time and time again? Why else would the sun always rise? Why else would our hearts keep beating, even after they’ve been broken? On that note, I will attend this funeral with a heavy but expectant heart. I will go back to school counting on Him to come through. I will choose not to doubt Him. I will choose to be mindful of the endless glory, not the suffering. I pray the same over anyone reading this.

– Rachel

(Dear friends, please consider supporting me during my time at SSOW. I am approaching a pretty scary financial setback, but I know He will provide. Please consider! Email: [email protected])